The Joy Set Before Me

I struggle so much with guilt and shame over what I didn't do, should have done better, or when I just completely blow it. I allow my thoughts to wander into self condemnation and fear of not being good enough. I look at my life and think of all the ways I should be better, and then I attribute my circumstances to punishment and consequences that I could have avoided had I acted correctly. Satan knows this bent in my perspective all too well and whispers lies to me that add to the guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I am learning, by God's grace and with His help, how to preach to myself and remind myself of truth in those moments. Lately, this process has been very slow. HOWEVER, Jesus has ever so graciously reminded me again that there is opportunity for joy in the midst of growing, changing, and pursuing Him more. My prayer is, "Don't look back with condemnation, don't feel guilty, press into Jesus and be full of joy as He changes me!!"

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, 

the author and perfecter of our faith, 

who for the joy set before Him 

endured the cross, scorning its shame, 

and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:2

Thoughts from my heart: 

• My eyes have to stay fixed on Him and His beauty. I cannot ponder and reflect on me!! As I think of Him and gaze at His face, He changes me! 
• He gives me my faith and He perfects my faith. I don't have what it takes. I am so uncomfortable with that idea, but, oh the freedom that it brings to my weak and broken heart.
• There is joy that has been set before me. And this joy is the source of my endurance through life and suffering. Jesus endured the cross because He had joy set before Him. That joy was knowing that He was submitting to His Father's will and that He would be with Him forever. Jesus is my joy by which I endure! And there is joy even as I encounter my weakness and my mistakes. Jesus is changing me and drawing me closer to His presence.

Father, fill me with Your joy as I submit to Your will and help me live knowing that I will be with You forever!

Glory Due His Name

Ascribe to the Lord, O mighty ones,

ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.

Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name;

worship the Lord in the splendor of His holiness.

Psalm 29:1-2

"Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name!" This phrase rang in my heart all day after reading it this morning. He deserves all glory and will demand all glory because it is due Him!! EVERYTHING is working itself to bring Him all glory, honor, and fame.

Father, thank you for the sweet days that just Taylor, Nora, and I have had since they are already out for summer and the boys still have a few days in school. And, thank you for the "no piano lessons" week! We have just enjoyed one another and You have increased my energy to play with them, discipline them, have heart to hearts with them (yes, at 4 and 3 years old), and just treasure them! This mindset is sustained by You and is by no means perfect, but in reflection I have truly loved our time! What a gift of grace to be able to slow down and remember the treasure of this time! When my heart and flesh fail, I trust You to be my portion forever.

Despite my weak faith and anxious thoughts you have given me opportunities to have awesome conversations with people this week! Wow, it's as if it has nothing to do with me! "Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength." I have been so weak and distracted, but there is power and clarity when it is Your truth. Thank You for the times of hopefully clarifying the gospel with a student this week. I pray that she will look to You for the answers she needs. Draw her deeper into Yourself!! Please use me to encourage others in very real ways with the gospel. Help me to be bold!

At Noah and Tucker ages (9 and 7) there are constant teachable moments and needs for heart intersections. Some things due to friends and classmates; others here at home. Thank You, Father, for helping Matt and I slow down and answer questions (even right before bed); and for giving us the truth from Your Word that points them to You and reminds them of their need for You to rescue their hearts. It is the Holy Spirits work to change them. We are instruments in their lives to help them growth. I forget that so much and stress over what they will become, etc. Forgive me, Father, for not trusting You!

Jesus, thank You for the refuge that time with Matt provides! Encouraging one another, praying together, venting and being honest with one another are comforting and a breath during times when it is hard to trust, know which way to go, or how to think. May we "worship YOU in the splendor of Your holiness." You are the anchor for our souls and the direction for our path. Help us to trust You, seek You, follow You, and love You with everything we are!! 

You are good and Your mercy will endure!

Both Spectrums

You are good and Your mercy will endure!
My strength may fail, but You are my portion forever!
You are in the heavens and You do as You please!
Your nearness is my good!
Your strength is made perfect in my weakness!

These phrases flood my heart and mind when I reflect on the past couple of weeks. All of them speak of my nothingness and Your everything!! Thank You for Your strength! Thank You for Your perfection! Thank You for Your steadfast love! I am nothing without You!

The only hope I have in this world is You, Father, and You know how I've been searching for hope and joy in the things of this world. Thank You for wooing me back and continuing to pursue me when I am so faithless. Forgive me for seeking others' affections and friendship to satisfy the deep longing that only You can fill. The fog of physical pains and emotional heartaches have been too much for me to bear on my own (but I have tried) and I thank You and praise You for carrying me through.

I am overwhelmed with love and a deep hearted thankfulness for Matt and his care for my heart over the past couple of weeks. The ways he has encouraged me and consoled me has done nothing but remind me of Your gentleness, patience, and endurance. Thank You for the man of God that You are continuing to work out in him. It is a perfect work that You are not through with yet. And, thank You a million times over that You have put us together. He points be back to You and washes me with the water of Your Word!! His desire truly is Ephesians 5:26 "...that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word..." The way he leads draws attention to You and Your great power not his own. Thank You for Your blessings in him!

Father, rid me of the worrisome thoughts and fears that reveal my lack of trust in You! Fill me with Your joy and passion for Your glory and name alone.

Thank You for the graces this week:

• Sweet, short, and meaningful conversations with each one of my children have warmed my heart! They need me and my time so much. More importantly they need You. May I point them to You by my words, actions, and priorities. 
• Working out the details of this month long jury duty service. And by that I mean NO TRIALS!! Couldn't be any better. 
• Making it to the end of another school year of teaching piano. WOW!! 33 lessons a week! Next week's recital will be a time to sit and enjoy all You've done through me to teach these precious students.
• Conversations with my sister to encourage her heart and pray for her and Glenn! Father, You know and You are near and in control. Use this to press them deeper into You.
• Mother's Day was such a sweet, long, open afternoon and evening. Thank You for my family and all the ways they blessed me that day and every other day too. Picnic, bookstore, fro-yo, and home to relax.
• Laughter!! Among the sadness there has been laughter! May my joy come from deep within!

Your goodness flows in abundance, Lord! Your faithfulness reaches to the sky's! May Your name alone be praised! Amen.

His Identity

It has taken some God-given discipline to continue studying through 2 Chronicles over the last few weeks. And, by God's grace and with His help, I finished it yesterday morning! What a journey to read and study about the different kings and the reoccurring "he did evil in the eyes of the Lord." But, ah, there were those men that pursued the Lord and did what was right in God's eyes. What faithfulness in the midst of darkness. What evidence of God's strength and desire in the hearts of weak men. Josiah was just one of those men that stood out to me during my study. He was only 8 when he became king! Whoa!! "He did right in the eyes of the Lord and walked in the ways of his father David." (2 Chron. 34:2) At only the age of 20 (the 12th year of his reign) "he began to purge Judah and Jerusalem of high places, Asherah poles, carved idols and cast images...the altars of Baals were torn down..."(2 Chron. 34:3-4). The phrase "high places" really struck me in my studies. I think I've heard someone preach on this idea and truth before, so this was possibly just a refresher and reminder to my heart. What high places are in my heart that are hindering me from lifting Jesus high? Can I have high places and still worship Jesus with my whole heart, mind, and strength? Aren't high places of any kind idols? You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything..." (Deut. 5:7-8) So again I had to ask myself, What high places are in my heart and hindering my affections to be fully on Jesus?
Identity.
What others think about me; what I think about myself. God, You are showing me how much I think about myself and attached to that is what value and worth I feel like I have or deserve. Let me stop right here and recommend a book that I literally read in 3 days (it's only 3 chapters); "The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness" by Tim Keller. Amazing truth of the freedom Paul walked in by only valuing the opinion of his Savior! Paul's value was declared on the cross through Jesus's blood and any performance was simply evidence of that given value. Not the other way around. Therefore, Paul was not concerned with the opinions of others or even the opinion of himself. What freedom!
Now back to my heart. I, however, do not have that freedom because the value that others dictate or allude to about me or how I'm feeling about myself has become a high place for me. It consumes me. It causes fear, anxiety, and lack of trust of what Jesus has already accomplished for me. Ultimately what I'm saying in those moments is that what God thinks about me is not good enough for me! Talk about a reality check! I would never say that with my mouth, but I am beginning to recognize this thought process and heart posture going on a great deal. What ends of happening is all I can think about is me. High place? Absolutely!! Praise God for His grace and mercy to reveal this to me and woo me into a deeper dependence on Him and greater satisfaction in Him. There is no shame or guilt. There is just boasting in weakness at another opportunity to be awed by a God that forgives and changes forever!!
Lord, grow me and change me! Press me more into Your loving arms! Rid me of the "me thoughts." Purge my heart of the high place of MY identity. Remind me in those self-centered moments that I've been given a new identity, YOUR identity, that is unshakable! Grant me freedom from myself and to love You more than life itself and to forever know that I AM YOURS!!!!
I pray all these things from a humbled, weak heart to a great God Who is in control and can make good come for the sake of Your glory! Amen.

From Him, Through Him, and To Him

For from Him and through Him and 

to Him are all things. 

To Him be the glory forever! 

Amen.

Romans 11:36

Father, thank You for leading Matt and I through others and the stirring of our own hearts to come up with core values for our family. I commit these to You and confess that I do not have what it takes to be consistent or strong in any of these areas myself much less guide and train my children to do so. You hold us together and You have become to us wisdom and lived the perfect life on our behalf. So, with that being said, here are the things that the Gurneys want to be about. All for the purpose of honoring You, knowing You, and helping others see and want You more and more.

          Gracious

          Under Authority

          Real

          Nurturing

          Enduring

          Yearning for God

You are a gracious God and lavish Your perfect grace upon Your children every moment of every day. I praise You for that, Father, and completely know that I don't deserve Your love and grace, but because of Your great mercy You have chosen to pour out Your grace and forgiveness on unworthy sinners. We want to be a picture of Your grace to one another and to those around us. Being quick to forgive, slow to anger, willing to overlook an offense, and finding joy in giving without receiving. We want to display Your graciousness for the sake of Your glory!!

You are such a comforting Authority that has complete control and sovereignty over every detail. Help me to trust You and find the freedom that You offer as I submit to You out of reverence for Christ. Jesus, please help the four little blessings running around this house to see the protection and freedom that living under mommy and daddy's authority offers them. We ultimately want them to enjoy being under Your authority and control, so help us be good (yet weak) examples to them.

God, You are so honest and real! Thank You for Your promises that reflect the truthfulness that is wrapped up in Your character. We want to foster such realness in our family, so we will be real with You in our times of weakness, need, sin, and shame. Fill our home with sweet conversations and confessions that glorify Your matchless Name!

We want the relationships represented among the six of us to be helpful, encouraging, kind, and causing growth. Living constantly in one another's space can be messy at times. We get tired, selfish, and weary of looking to one another's needs above our own. We naturally live for our own kingdoms instead of all together living for Your Kingdom! Draw us closer to Your heart and give us unity at the foot of the cross that will have the flavor of nurturing. Remind us often to take care of our own bodies, both physically and spiritually, as well as spur one another toward love and good deeds that will make much of You!!!

May we never give up, Lord. Again, reflecting Your never giving up, always and forever character! You are our Example and You are our Help!!! Produce in us a mindset to press on no matter what it is that we're doing. In everything we do, may we do it as unto You! Help us to endure and finish well!!!!

As a bottom line, may the foundation of our home be one built on yearning for You, our Great and Awesome God! As a deer pants for water, may our souls thirst for You. May we earnestly seek You as individuals and as a family as one would search for water in a dry and weary land. You are better than life itself! Mark our lives with a longing for Your presence and Your Word.

Thank You, Jesus, for desiring good in us. Goodness that will bring You such attention! Goodness that will not be about men, but You! Goodness that is supplied by Your indwelling Spirit! May we be in constant pursuit of You and grow in our trust in You. You will give us these desires as we desire You! Thank You for the answer, YES, in Jesus!!!!

For from Him and through Him and 

to Him are all things. 

To Him be the glory forever! 

Amen.

Romans 11:36

A Mother's Prayer for Her Sons

It's birthday central around the Gurney house!! March is madness for us...celebrating both Noah and Tucker's birthdays!! Wow!! 9 and 7! CRAZY!!!! As much as I want to celebrate my precious boys and show them the gifts they are every year in very unique and creative ways, I have been struck by the fact that nothing I can do will ever compare to what God has in store for their journeys. Which is why tonight I sit and offer up prayers for my sons...
Father, show Yourself to Noah. Open up his heart to the gospel. Take his heart of stone and mold it into a heart of flesh that is madly in love with You!! You have given him a bright mind and he is learning things about You, for which I am very thankful, but sink Your truth into the deepest parts of his being. Give him a singular heartbeat for You and Your glory. Soften his heart to correction and instruction. Help him see that he is in need of a Savior and that You are his only hope. Give him a heart and care for others that come before thoughts of himself. Make him very aware of his sin, not for guilt and shame sake, but to increase his awe of the gospel. Thank You, Father, for working in him and giving him a desire to please other people and making them smile at him. But, God, please use that desire for Your good and not the pressure filled people-pleasing mentality that Satan so easily can deceive with. Thank You for the love of reading that You've given Noah. Please funnel that love toward Your Word and truth. Teach him to think critically and align everything with the very inspired Words of You!! I am so thankful for Noah. And I praise You for the gift of him in our family!!
Father, draw Tucker's heart to You. Help him understand that saying he wants to love You is not fully surrendering his life to You. But thank You for that love You've given him at such an early age!! Bring true understanding to his heart of his need for a Rescuer and his hopelessness without You. Guard his sensitive heart from those that will take advantage of him. Continue helping him be a good friend to those around him. Thank You for giving him a love for sharing his things with others. Continue helping him put others before himself. God, He needs Your patience. Help him to trust You when the timing is not in his plans. Give him a faith that trusts You and knows that You are good and perfect in all You do!! Give Tucker the confidence to be himself and not follow the crowd. Raise him up to be a gentle and kind leader and use him to point others to You. I pray, Father, that You will give him great affections for You, Your Word, and Your glory!! Help him to be willing to suffer and go through hard things for the sake of the gospel. Give Tucker joy beyond all measure!! Thank You so much for this precious 2nd born son! Tucker is precious to us!!
I trust You, Father, with these two priceless lives and I know that their hearts and journeys are in Your hands. Help me, God, to point them to You by my words, actions, and habits. For Your glory alone that I pray these things in Your holy and majestic name. Amen.

Wounded, Healing, and Thankful

But He was pierced for our transgressions,

He was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,

and by His wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5

Feeling wounded, Lord, I woke up this morning with this verse on my heart. You, perfect sinless Savior, pierced? You, strong Warrior and Creator, crushed? Your punishment brought me peace? Your wounds bring me healing? The truths in this one verse are mind-boggling and outrageous!! But I am thankful with a broken-hearted thankfulness that they are indeed true. Seeing the connections here...You were healed through Your wounds; I am healed by Your wounds; and therefore, the wounds You ordain for me in my journey will heal my heart and cause me to have greater affections for You. They are painful and humbling, but, ah, so necessary! I would never write them in a story for myself, but I praise You, Jesus, for knowing exactly what I need to stir greater happiness in You and to rid me of myself and this world.

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.

BUT thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:54-57

Death has no sting through the life given in Jesus!! Sin leads to death and, therefore, sin has no sting through the blood of Jesus!! Yes it hurts and causes heartache, but the death and sting has been answered on the cross! My sin and others have been paid in full! Thank You, Father, for the reminder of this truth and the healing it brings to my heart. Believing the promise that Jesus' work is enough is the only thing that can bring healing to my weak and hurting heart. 

I know that You are for me

I know that You are for me

I know that You will never 

Forsake me in my weakness

"You are For Me"

I am weak and in much need of Your grace and help today (and everyday)! Thank You for being for me! My heart wanders into the lie that what others think of me is my driving pursuit. Fill me with Your presence and sing beautiful songs of grace and mercy over me. (Zeph. 3:17)

Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing...remains

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

"One Thing Remains"

Your love is enough!!! Help me see the beauty of Your constant, sustaining love in the valleys of life and when I'm facing a mountain!! I am weak, but praise Your name, You are strong and unchanging!!!

Only one name lasts forever

Only one fame stands alone

Only on King has an anthem

That goes on and on and on

And I'm singing to the God

Who brings redemption to the nations

Kings and oceans bow to Him in praise

And I'm singing to the God

Who wrote the book on our salvation

To the One who covers me in grace

I'm singing!!

"I'm singing"

And this is why I'm thankful! My wounds and my healing have caused my eyes and heart to look up and You have answered me with truth from Your Word and God glorifying songs to help me want to sing and praise You!! Yes, it is still a broken-hearted and very weak thankfulness; BUT a thankfulness indeed.

To You alone deserves all praise and glory and honor!! For You have done great and marvelous things!

HIS Wondrous Deeds

I just want to sit tonight and revel in Your wondrous deeds and tell of Your greatness, Lord. Your grace abounds and Your love is overwhelming! May I never get used to it!! Though I am weak and my flesh fails may I be found praising You and enjoying Your presence.

The conversation after conversation that Matt and I were able to have last Friday (Valentine's Day) was incredible! Just to have the time together (his day off and I only have 4 lessons) at home, over lunch, and then the surprise date night that he planned for us was only by Your grace and Your doing. It is unbelievable the heart connection and honesty that we share. But, again, with You holding us together, of course it's believable! I love him more today than I ever dreamed I could 15 years ago and I was head over heels then!! It is a work of Your faithfulness and Your goodness. Lord, I continue to pray that You would help us spur one another on toward You with greater passion everyday. May we be the gospel for those around us. Use our life together for greater things than we can imagine.

Another snowy Saturday morning provided some much needed nothingness for a couple of hours!! Father, You cause the snow to fall and the seasons to change. I praise You for Your plan. You know best!! Taking Taylor to a birthday party was a reminder of the people You've put in my path (sometimes not very often) that I can be building relationships with. No, they may not be just like me but I want to make much of You regardless of where I am or who I'm with. Thank You for sustaining my energy and giving me joy! We had another college bible study Saturday night. Not a huge crowd, but to read and study through Psalm 16 together was beautiful. The call to delight in the church (Your saints) as an overflow of our delight in You was very challenging to me. Enjoying You in other believers is how we display Your glory and love for Your church. 

Father, I praise You for Your Word. Matt has been teaching through Ruth for the past 2 months and we finished it this past Sunday morning. Wow, what an amazing story of redemption and a foreshadow of Your plan to rescue a people through a Kinsman-Redeemer. You use weak vessels in Your story for Your glory! You are involved and care about every detail of my life; You are working and changing me for Your purposes; and, You are working beyond me for the sake of eternity and to make things new again! There is no refreshment from Your Word unless You speak and cause my heart to listen and respond. Thank You for Your presence and voice!! And, oh, Lord, I praise You for the accountability time with the ladies from our community group. They encourage me greatly and the growing honesty is drawing our hearts closer to You as our relationships deepen.

Father, the extra time with Noah and Tucker on Monday morning since the girls had preschool and they were off was just precious to me! Just hearing their laughter reminds me of the joy that is found in You. Jesus, capture their hearts and do great things in them for Your name and renown. And then Tuesday to take Taylor and Nora to the bookstore and enjoy them was special as well. Reading to them and hearing them play and pretend was a joy!! These four gifts straight from Your hand never cease to amaze me and remind me of Your awesome works!! Thank You, Lord, for letting me be a mom!! I don't always feel so mushy but it is a joy and a treasure that I praise You for! Help me to lay my life down for them and show them by my life what it means to know I'm nothing and You are everything! To live in my weakness so Your perfect strength may be displayed. To run to You for help and not seek to fix myself. 

God, thank You for Your still, small, quiet whisper in my heart and how it woos me to Your arms. You have been reminding lately where my confidence comes from. I want to be overwhelmed with Your presence in my life that You are all I  think of when I'm around others, when I begin to worry about life, when I wonder if I'm doing things right, when I'm questioning if I'm making a difference, when I long for what others have, etc. You are my confidence! Your Word is true and You are faithful to keep Your good promises. Rid me of any pseudo confidence in myself and help me stand on You as my foundation and my everything!!! 

I praise You for Your wondrous deeds. I have no good apart from You!

Dependence...

...the state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else...

Dependence is an uncomfortable word. It points to weakness and shortcomings. It says, "I can't. I need help. I am lacking." The world is constantly feeding the lie to be self-sufficient (or at least pretend to be), hold your own, and say to others "I'm good." Be independent!!
Father, tonight by Your grace I can say that dependence brings freedom. Dependence brings joy. Dependence brings satisfaction. When I think back on this week and my journey with You I am so thankful that I can be dependent on You! There is tension in my heart to keep this posture and perspective, but You gently remind me of my need for You.
Taylor, the inquisitive 4 year old that she is, has been asking the deepest questions lately. "When will Jesus come back? Why can't I see Him today? What will it be like in heaven?" I love these questions!! It gives me the opportunity to share truth with her and point her to Your glory. I am completely dependent on You for the biblical words to answer these questions on a level she can begin to grasp (and that doesn't keep us up half the night...she likes to talk theology at bedtime)! Thank You for Your truth that can help a 4 year old grow in her love for You and Your glory!! How beautiful to see her eyes light up at the thought of seeing You and being with You forever!
You've reminded me of the mere fact of my dependence on You physically too. Hurting my knee playing volleyball this past Tuesday was definitely not in my plan for this week. I have had to pray through my attitude toward not being able to work out like normal and just the annoyance of discomfort. Father, thank You for not letting it be much of an injury and for slowing me down to show me the unhealthy drive I have toward fitness. I recognize my dependence on You for this perspective to genuinely be where my heart rests.
There is a constant need for dependence in relationships. Not with the other person, but with You. I need Your help to do relationships well. A selfless heart in my marriage; a sacrificial heart in my parenting; a caring heart with those in need; wisdom for those needing counsel; and patience for those hard to love. I can think of all these instances from this past week in one way or another. And it is not anything of me that helps me respond well or admit my weakness when I fail. Thank You for living through me and continually supplying me with what I need when I need it!!
Many times this week dependence has been on my mind and heart because of my weaknesses and failures. In times of losing my temper with my children You've reminded me that I am lacking in gentleness, but You are the gentle Father. In times of not wanting to own my sin in situations You've reminded me that I need help and that You are still changing me. In times of fretting and feeling anxious You've shown me in Your Word that fretting only leads to evil (Psalm 37) and that I can't fill my life with peace, but You are the God of peace and rest. In times of questioning our live's course You've reminded me that I don't know the plans for my life, but that You are a good God fighting for our greatest happiness to be found in You alone and that is Your plan. All of these moments come face to face with my weakness and Your strength!!! For that reason I can say thank You, God, for my complete dependence on You and help me to be comfortable with such an uncomfortable word!

Delight

Psalm 1:2

But his delight is in the law of the Lord,

and on His law he meditates day and night.

Thank You, Lord, for the discussion of Psalm 1 at the college bible study that we kicked off last Saturday night. This verse has been on my mind and heart over the past few days and I am seeking to make it my prayer in every moment and situation that You have me in. The question that comes out of this is "What am I delighting in?" Do I truly delight in YOUR ways and purposes. Umm, no, not most of the time. This psalm clearly says blessed is the man that delights in Your law. Your law brings freedom, hope, and joy. Why wouldn't I delight in Your law? Jesus fulfilled the law and lived it perfectly on my behalf. He lived the law; He displayed the law; He is the law. Do I delight in Jesus?

How do I delight in something? All of my energy goes to that something. All of my motivations point to that something. I run hard after something that I desire. Lord, help me to put all my energy, point all my motivations, and run hard after YOU!! It just makes sense that this verse would also say to meditate on Your law day and night. When I delight in something, I think about it. I want to study it. I can't get enough of it. Again, Lord, help this be the drive I have for You and Your law. Your law. Your Word. You are revealed in Your Word. As I delight in You, I will delight and meditate on Your Word. Help me to keep yearning more and more for Your Word. In it I find life for the deepest parts of my soul.

I remember Matt Chandler asking at a Student Life Camp, "What helps stir your affections for Christ? What hinders your affections for Christ?" It seems to me that all I do will answer one of these questions. And I see the connection between my affections and my desires. Lord, help me to rid my life of things that do not help me desire You and Your law. Point me to those things that will stir greater affection in my heart for You and Your law. 

All of life comes down to just one thing....that's to know You, oh Jesus!!!!!!

The sanctification of NO ROUTINE!!!

Well, Lord, when I think of the past couple of weeks (since I didn't blog last week) the only thing that comes to mind is.....lack of routine!!! The snow days and sub-zero degree days out of school have thrown any kind of normalcy in this household out the window!! I'd like to say that I was thrilled with all the extra time that we all had together and the time I had off of teaching lessons on my normal schedule, BUT I would be painting a false picture. Yes, I did enjoy the days-staying in our pjs, watching movies, sledding, play dates, letting the kids stay up later, sleeping "in" (for us anyway), etc. I do cherish this time when my children are young and our house is literally shaking because of the activity level; however, sometimes it's a moment by moment choice and surrender that I will have joy no matter what comes across my path. To remember that everything is from the hand of You, my gracious Father, is such a hard perspective and heart posture to keep. Needless to say, many times over the last two weeks I have just had enough-too much laundry, too many dishes (dishwasher is on the brink), too many conflicts, too much disobedience, too much inside time, etc. BUT, Jesus, then comes Your grace!! You make me aware of my lack of patience or my demands of comfort and "nothingness." You remind me of Your presence and that You don't promise me ease, but You do promise to supply me and sustain me through it all. Lord, I praise You and thank You for the moments that I can recount that You helped me take a deep breath and drink in Your goodness and then move on about the day You have planned for me. Yes, I wish I could handle it without the need for the reminders, but here is the weakness that I want to live in and be able to recognize Your perfect strength living in me.
Now, the specific graces of the past couple of weeks! Father, You continued to wake me up each morning with a yearning for Your Word. The dark, cold, and no routine mornings don't help to convince me to rise early and spend time sitting at Your feet. And, honestly, they weren't as early, but You gently wooed my heart with the sweetness of Your voice. I have had an amazing time studying through 1 Thessalonians over the past two weeks. Reading the entire book over and over, listening to it as I run, and reading sermons on desiringgod.org have encouraged me and challenged me so much. May I be filled with hope that only comes from You that I would be able to endure and endure well. Let me love others with a love to shines forth Your glory and spreads the gospel. Thank You for those people that You've put in my life that hold me accountable and remind me of Your goodness and grace. Another grace that I can give You glory for is the specific training that Matt and I have been able to do with our kids since we've been home so much together. Simple things like washing and drying dishes, folding clothes, helping prepare meals, helping siblings, cleaning up after yourself, etc. They don't come running 100% of the time with a smile on their face ready to help serve, but I will say that they really have loved learning new things. Thank You for the patience and willingness to let things take longer, not be done perfect (or as I would do them), and take more effort to explain and teach. You are giving us a growing since of being a family and all pitching in and helping. Lord, help me continue to see life through my kids' lens and stop and include them or put down a task and enjoy them more often. And guard my heart from feeling like I need to uphold a "super mom" expectation!!! In addition to patience through teaching the kiddos new things, You have supplied me with patience and clarity over admonishing and disciplining them. Correction is a must and is a very constant thing. You have shown me my laziness in certain areas and my lack of consistency. Another weakness and place for me to enjoy Your work in my life and Your grace and mercy to change me!! You are showing me ways that I can use Your Word to teach and correct these precious children that You've blessed me with. We read Your Word consistently with all four of our kids at bed time, but for it to, also, be used in how we show them their sin just reflects that Your Word is all we need for life and godliness. It, also, helps my heart stay gentle and gracious and my words to be caring but seasoned with salt. Thank You, Lord, for being everything for me and to me!! Continue helping me be consistent and clear with what is expected of them, but showing them what Your grace looks like as I care for their hearts.
You are blowing me away with truth about the incarnation through Elise Fitzpatrick's book "Found in Him." If I am honest, I have to say that I am struggling to wrap my head around some of the truths of You, Jesus, being fully God and fully man. Thank You for the mystery and thank You for helping me "get" some of it. You had to grow in wisdom, but never made a foolish choice. You were tempted yet held true to Your Word and perfection. You suffered with joyful obedience. All of these done in my place and accomplishing what I could not. Lord, help me to joyfully obey as I share in the sufferings of Christ!

Satisfy us in the morning 

with Your steadfast love, 

that we may rejoice 

and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:14

Honesty

Father, as I sit down tonight I am amazed at Your goodness once again. Psalm 16 says that "I have no good apart from You." I want to attribute every good and perfect gift as from You, Jesus. The honest conversations that I can reflect on from the past several weeks are again a sign of Your presence, work, and faithfulness. To not see them as from Your mighty hand is to neglect Your glory and miss Your love and grace. Thank You for the eyes to see them as gifts from You!!
Even a simple, short ride to the grocery store with my mom over the holidays was significant for my heart. You provided even those few moments for us to connect in heart and for me to share things that she could be praying for me about. Thank You, Jesus, for her encouragement and care for me. There is something so refreshing about being real with someone you can trust.
Just a question of my hopes for the new year provided an opportunity for me to share my heart with Matt's sister. You were (and still are) stirring things in me from Your Word about living in my weakness this year and letting Your strength be made perfect in me as I completely depend on You. Thank You for the chance to share this raw truth and may You use it in mighty ways. I pray that Your truth illuminates!
Oh Father, to skype with my dear friend Kristi last week was more than a gift! A blessing, a challenge, an encouragement, and so rejuvenating to the deepest part of my soul. I couldn't go to sleep for hours after!! For a friendship to continue and grow deeper despite living on different sides of the globe is a genuine picture of Your faithfulness and, therefore, You are the only one that could hold it together. Thank You, Lord, for all the ways You show Yourself through her encouragement and the truth she is able to remind me of. The honesty during our conversation was nothing apart from Your doing! I was able to share things with her that I know she'll continue to intercede for on my behalf. Help me to approach Your throne of grace regularly and pray for her heart and pursuit of You.
It is always a work of You for December and I to actually work out times to get together despite our busy (opposite) schedules. Thank You for going before us and fighting for our friendship and accountability. You are faithful to help us "spur one another on toward love and good deeds." We ask each other hard questions, encourage one another through the difficulties, and share in the joys of how You're working and changing us. She continues to be very dear to me and ushering into Your presence with her is an awesome thing!
The ways that You have blessed mine and Rachel's friendship are endless. The honest and scripture sharing conversations that we have are unreal to me! Thank You, Father, for her genuine care for my soul and my family's. I absolutely love hearing from her heart and how You're growing her and challenging her faith. Thank You for how she's able to point me to Your presence and remind me of Your hand at work!
Some amazing conversations have been happening between the boys and I before bed. The "Jesus Calling" for kids devotional book is offering some really neat and practical truths from scripture for the boys to understand and apply to their 3rd and 1st grade worlds. You are helping me slow down and share things from my life or offer some additional explanations to help them see how near You are, how much You love them, and how much they can trust You! Help their little minds and hearts grasp how good You are and how real Your promises are!
Ultimately You are giving me such honesty (which is a reflection from You, not us) in my marriage. Matt and I are able to come to one another in such love and care for the other's heart in so many different circumstances. We rejoice with one another over scripture refreshing our hearts. We encourage one another when weariness is setting in. We point one another back to Your presence and remind one another of Your promises. We reconcile with one another when there is sin committed, offering confession and seeking forgiveness. We ask one another for help when the temptation to waiver in our pursuit of You is crouching at our door. We come before Your throne together asking You to reveal more of Yourself to us and our kids. All of this is done only by Your grace and with Your help. No, we are not perfect and sometimes we are very slow to show the things listed. BUT You have given us such a unique and amazing relationship filled with such honesty. May You use it for Your honor and glory.
The honesty that You have given me in these conversations would never be possible without Your work completed on the cross. Thank You, Lord, for the cross! The honesty that must be embraced to receive Your gift from the cross and then the honesty that is available because of the cross!!!

What matters?

Oh the questions that are filling my mind and heart tonight!!! You have begun a stirring in me that I pray will only increase as the days and seasons go by!
What really matters? Knowing my need for Your presence and Your Word. Knowing that You are my life and Your Word is my very breath and the nourishment for my soul. What really matters? Realizing that there are those around me that are longing to know more of You, but don't know how to seek You or study Your Word. Seeing the hopelessness in people's eyes and hearing the struggles of people's faith. What really matters?
Obviously this is the question that is stirring in me and today I was so aware of Your nearness and You began to give me glimpses of answers. I'll start with what doesn't matter:
Comfort and ease of life.
I am not promised this anywhere in scripture yet I find that my priorities can point to a deep desire for "off" days, lack of responsibilities, and sometimes simply a laziness of heart. Comfortable is not Your plan for my life. Lord, help me to pursue You and Your glory which will bring sacrifice and suffering. I want to be filled with joy when my life is uncomfortable and completely stripped of ease for the sake of Your name and renown.
Amenities of life.
Be it friendships, family vacations, alone time, dinners out, and the list goes on and on (for me). These are not promised to me! Your presence and Your faithfulness is my promise and You are all I need!!! These blessings are not wrong, but pursued as desires/needs/demands puts them in a category I'm learning to call idolatry. Oh, Father, forgive me for thinking that You owe me any of these or that I deserve them. Forgive me for desiring blessings over the ONE who blesses!
Security.
As the American way would define it is not what matters! I can be found so dependent on finances, family, friendships, fitness, etc. My attitude so easily reflects that I believe these things define me and bring me worth. You settled my security and worth on the cross when pouring Your wrath on Jesus. You are my security today as I walk daily in the gospel remembering who I was and Your grace. You have promised to be my security as I stand before You clothed in Christ's righteousness.
What matters?
Being in Your presence and being completely drowned in Your Word. Alone and with others. God, I am asking You to fill my days with more of You and Your Word. Let me meditate and ponder You all throughout the day. Give Matt and I sweet conversation centered on You and Your truth. May I talk with my children of Your glory and goodness. May Your Word be what motivates my training with them; in encouragement and in correction. Father, fill our home with people that long to know You more. Give us opportunities to study with others and seek Your throne of grace together. All for the yearning of more of You!!!
"Nothing is impossible for You!" Luke 1:37

Reflecting and Resolving

Where I find my heart on this January 2, 2014:

Thank You, Father, for the truth that you brought my way through John Piper's Desiring God website just two nights ago. Finding my heart searching on New Year's Eve for joy and refreshing truth from You; You brought an article to my attention that reminded me once again of Your work alone being worth all praise and trust. These are thoughts from my heart, but some of the general ideas are from Piper's podcast and Paul Tripp's article.

2013 was a year of sanctification because You have promised to sanctify me and make me like Jesus until I stand before You and am made fully holy. So tonight I reflect on Your work in my heart and life. You did not let anything go by where You weren't turning it into good and for the sake of Your glory and honor. I know for a fact that I missed the mark 365 days last year, but by faith I trust that You work it ALL for sake of Your name and fame. No, I don't run head long into sin, but I do mess up royally on a daily basis. To know and be continually reminded of Your promise of working out ALL things for good is the way I keep taking steps toward You in this wretched body that has been completely transformed by the righteousness of Christ on the cross. I am more sanctified today than January 2013 because of Your promise, faithfulness, and goodness!! Thank You, Father, for Your gracious hand on my life.

2014 is upon me and I resolve to pursue You more; with greater passion and greater urgency. But I can only hope to do this with Your help and because I am clothed in Christ's righteousness. May I never seek this "goal" on my own strength as to gain anything for the sake of my name. I know I will attempt many times to achieve this end on my own and pretend that it is my accomplishments. May I not be so shortsighted and arrogant. I will fail miserably, but You will succeed and already have succeeded on my behalf. Praise You, Jesus!! This brings up my weak faith in this weak body...I confess that I am uncomfortable admitting my limitations and don't like coming face to face with my weaknesses. Father, may You help me live in my weaknesses and failures, not as excuses to sin or be lazy in my pursuit of You, but to point to You and reflect Your character; the perfect, good, and majestic God that You are!! I want to be okay with my weaknesses, because it is there that Your strength is made perfect. I can see the connection of this heart posture to spill over in my "OKness" with others' weaknesses. I do see You helping me extend grace to others (much quicker than I do to myself), but I wonder if this is an outward grace. Inwardly, do I harbor a resentment for those who fail or an impatience for those that continually need help? Father, may my life have a flavor of grace, patience, and care for those You've put in my life. This is a result of my mind and heart being full of You and remembering what has been extended to me. I want to live in Your presence and run with a passion toward Your face. May I rest at the feet of Jesus! Help me quickly recognize when I'm choosing other things over You and woo me back to Your arms.

Psalm 105:3-4

Glory in His holy name;

let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice!

Seek the LORD and His strength;

seek His presence continually!